So that's what we're dealing with here and like sand through the hourglass these here are the days of our caftans. Cause you know, Kyle Richards was on Days of Our Lives for a splits richards second.
Anyway, Brandi Glanville has a problem with her tongue and her mouth and her speech and her general planet trashiness was affected by wonky aspirin. Which is a good thing because she also has a problem with *gasp* Lisa Vanderpump. Appprrrrrntly, Lisa holds within her bejeweled hands the power to deport people, destroy their lives, poison their aspirin, and dig up their ex-husband's long-dead mistress from the grave to release her from her coffin on the very moment when you walk into a Bravo-sponsored season finale party at her restaurant. Or something like that that. Cause if anyone knows how to work a good curse it's not plastic tits on a tan witch Snarlton Gebbia, but Giggy-loving Lisa!
While Brandi has chewed her tongue off with rabid rage, Carlton is at a candle shop getting her burned wicks read for protection. Oh the things the rich find to waste their money on! Carlton invited Yolanda Foster and her lime-colored pants to meet her so they can complain about Housewives and stuff crystals down their bra. Is that why Carlton's boobs look so… indestructible. The crystals ward off curses and they also ward of kaftans in the form of Kyle.
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Speaking of kaftans, Kyle swans over to Joyce Giraud's house where they bond over… no, not hair flips but CURSES! They've both been cursed! BFF for life: "I got cursed and all I have to show for it is this kaftan!" Kyle's computer was hacked and now it's telling her she's a bigoted travesty. Oh Kyle is a travesty, but not a bigot.
Seriously – Kyle's computer was hacked and the darling family portrait replaced with scary evil words. To get revenge, since it's totally wise to SEEK REVENGE on someone who infiltrated your computer with curses, Kyle and Joyce decide to not invite Carlton to Puerto Rico. Joyce has decided she can dig deep within her pageanted heart, however, to invite Queen of Planet Trash. Hopefully Brandi won't be offended by all the people speaking Spanish around her. And hopefully she'll be able to refrain from killing any Puerto Ricans.
Brandi has bigger issues to contend with than big hair: Lisa. She meets Rambles Richards to give her some camera time so they can spray tan together and talk about how much Lisa is a manipulative wench. Kim tells us Lisa seems like she's being nice but it's oh so not true, like that one time she asked her how sobriety was going when Lisa totally like didn't care and Kim didn't want to talk about her life while being on a reality show.
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And Brandi is like yeah… and that other time she pretended to be my BEST FRIEND while employing Scheana Marie and all Brandi wanted to do was avoid thinking about her divorce while talking about it CONSTANTLY and seeking the sympathy/victim/woman scorned card at every opportunity including the time she cried all season that Adrienne Maloof was "suing" her – the poor, single, desperate, broke divorcee – and Lisa supported her? So, yeah, Brandi hates Lisa and now her tongue has swelled up from eating some rancid foot in mouth dick medication and she can't confront her, which is a good thing. Instead she's just going to let Lisa think "I'm under her control." Be careful Brandi your face might freeze all puffy-like. Oh wait…
Then Brandi tells us she always thinks and speaks for herself. I think Carlton is rubbing off on Brandi in an unsavory way because Brandi is full of contradictions and hypocrisies. Or maybe birds of a feather…
Yolanda is throwing a going away party for Gigi and of course it's at Mohamed's house. They expect us to believe Mohamed is cooking everything himself. Yolanda rushes around in a salmon-colored jumpsuit and wedge sneakers directing everyone about why David is more fabulous than Mohamed. He's not, get over it.
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All the ladies arrive, except for Joyce who canceled last minute and Kim who was stroking a werepuppy and making out with a Jimmy McNichol poster while Kingsley chewed mercilessly on the Louboutins she borrowed from Kyle. It was a lovely party and Gigi made the sweetest speech. Carlton awkwardly avoided Kyle all evening and played musical chairs at the dinner table to avoid sitting next to her. I thought she had protective crystals down her bra?
Carlton leaves early because Kyle's energy is making her tan fade. As Carlton is leaving Kyle asks Brandi to hand deliver some crown that goes atop the skull necklace Kyle gave her during her America Is For Strippers party. If she wants Carlton to have it so badly she should hand it over herself?
Brandi chases Carlton down and Lisa, sniffing out some drama follows, waddling on her too-tight heels in her too-tight dress (full confession: I often despise Lisa's fashions. It's like Linda Rondstat meets Dynasty) unfortunately. She should have not involved herself in the antics of "larva" (whatever that is!).
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Carlton thinks the crown is a ring. And Carlton doesn't want it because she thinks the necklace Kyle gave her has bad juju and she drowned it. I wouldn't want it because it's ugly, but ugliness has never deterred Carlton! Then Lisa states that the necklace was blue so how does the gold crown match? She also tells Carlton to accept it as a peace offering because Kyle had good intentions.
Yolanda is annoyed that Lisa (not Kyle!?) is trying to cause drama at Gigi's going away party. Carlton agrees – she does not want to have an altercation with Kyle at the party so she leaves, peacefully.
Yolanda huffs off to pry a microscopic slice of cake away from Gigi. Brandi stomps off to go tattle to Kyle that Lisa sabotaged her by telling Carlton the necklace/ring/totally-fake-ass-kissing-please-don't-curse-me-because-I'm-afraid-you'll-make-my-hair-fall-out attempt doesn't go together. Why is Kyle even trying to give a woman she can't stand and banned from a cast trip ANOTHER gift? Then Kyle gets mad at Lisa for "playing both sides of the fence."
Kyle and Brandi take turn playing Tits On an Ant with Lisa. I wonder if Snarlton is teaching classes… #CursedByCarlton They confront Lisa and then huff off in tizzies about how Lisa is meddling and awful and ruining their lives because she said the necklace was blue and the crown was gold. Lisa says she was just commenting on the items, then she invites herself to go shopping at Kaftans by Kyle Has No Taste for Puerto Rico.
Kyle doesn't want to be friends with Lisa because Lisa is tricky and sneaky, then talks ish about her to Brandi. Then when Brandi leaves, she sits next to her like nothing is wrong and whispers that Joyce's father passed away. Yolanda and Brandi overhear and wonder if the PR trip will be canceled, but no Joyce wants to still go.
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The next day Lisa visits Kyle to shop. Kyle wants Lisa to apologize for making the joke that Mauricio was with a younger woman in front of Portia and Lisa snaps that she thought they had already resolved it and moved on, but Kyle doesn't feel validated. Lisa warns her, "You never will and you never have had a friend more loyal than me." And that is how you make a threat not a threat and yes, Lisa plays this game so well.
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